Feeling of being depressed and rejected
When you think the sky can’t get any darker, it does. The darkness of emotions and feeling is everywhere, looking for some kind of hope in those cracks of the heart. That’s exactly how I felt when I went to audition for something I had passion for and I got rejected . The pang in the chest when you don’t hear your name being shortlisted. The feeling was undeniable.
Everyone kept saying it will get better but I never saw it coming. The darkness fell over and nothing got better. I felt like a failure and dejected piece of element. I started comparing myself with others. I started sulking in my room scrolling on my device consuming temporary dopamine. I stayed up late at night using my phone till the batteries ran out. I cried myself to sleep and promised myself to become a better human being.
Everyone thought it was normal to have sleepbags under the eyes. I had the darker shade. My mom shouted on me every now and then. While I was able to see her speak I was not able to hear her voice because the voices running in my head was quite louder than hers. I felt sorry for people around me because maybe they had expectations just like my dad. He wanted a good daughter actually he deserved a good daughter. None of the people I interacted with on daily basis knew about my auditions but they saw right through me seeing my emptiness eat up my light slowly .
I still remember the night when things felt apart brutally. My assignment due dates were long gone, teachers started contacting my parents. My dance team was waiting for my comeback to practice. My brother was trying his best to get me out of my room. That day, the realization dawned at me. Everyone put an effort for me, except me. Life can be hard , but what’s painful is watching someone else achieve your dreams on social media. I couldn’t see it anymore, to let the feeling of rejection and depression drive. I was never that person. That night things shifted in my mind. Out of the blue I wanted to go for running. I wanted to grow flowers and sing at the top of my voice to let the world know that rejections are just fine, it’s just another chance.
I have never let myself feel like that again . My end goal stands the same to fall in love with life a little bit more no matter how many rejections and failures came my way. I was ready to see what God had to test me. Life can be fulfilling at both 16 and also 60, 25 and 45. Joy is timeless. Learning how to make the most of where you are does not have an age cut-off or a deadline.
You will always be able to sit and wonder about things that could have gone differently. But you can also trust: you have not missed out on what was meant for you. I know it’s hard to trust when so much is unknown, so instead of trying to make sense of it all at once, take it all color by color, tree by tree, scent by scent, relationship by relationship. You don’t have to take it all in at once. Take in the newness of it all one moment at a time without worrying about the moments to come. Let that be enough. Breathe deep and let this moment be enough. Let this be a place where you find peace.
Remember the ground beneath your feet. You belong here. No one has taken your place. You are not too far from grace. Your story might be unfolding differently than expected but that doesn’t mean it won’t be beautiful. Where you are meant to be, you will be in time, no matter your age or stage of life.
Don’t let this feeling drive your enthusiasm to achieve dreams. Choose your path